Body-Building and How I Learnt to Love my Body!

Despite how I liked to portray my experience of body-building, everything definatly wasn't as It seemed. Heres a little insight into my head during the almost 2 years I spent prepping and competing!

Coming out of high school I went straight into nursing school and after living in the Tron for a few years I decided I wanted to do a body-building competition. I had met a few friends who were doing or had done them in the past and I thought I’d like the challenge (+ it was a new way to meet people, and being a newbie in town I was super keen). I’m not entirely sure if this was a decision I really thought about based on entirely my values and morals or whether I was heavily influenced by social media at the time (unfortunately more likely the latter). Body-building was in the limelight at this time (or at least it was on my gram feed) and it was really glamourized. It kind of became the ‘cool’ thing to do – it didn’t really cross my mind how extreme the sport is, the girls on social media didn't seem to make too much of a fuss (of course they didn't vaida, duh) so I didn't really ponder what it would take, I just signed up to a nutritionist and personal trainer and I was on my way!

Right at the beginning of my journey toward the stage

Turns out sticking to a very strict diet and training plan is veeeeery socially isolating, which of course I learnt the hard way. Having a nutritionist to check in with every 2-3 weeks is a great way to stick to a diet, but I learnt pretty quickly I struggled with the mental game. When it came to social situations I would so badly want to drink with my friends and go out and boogie (I don’t care what people tell you, going out to boogie with your girlfriends sober while they’re all sauced and having a good time?! NOT fun) or even just simply enjoy a meal everyone else was enjoying, but in all these situations I would have the thought of not wanting to “ruin” my check-in (AKA gain fat) in the back of my mind. I hated feeling like the ‘outcast’ who pulled out her Tupperware container full of carefully measured food at every meal time. I became obsessed with food, and it quickly began to control my life. My days would be planned around my meals and I would literally scroll pinterest looking at donuts (I don’t even like donuts), cookie dough, cakes.. Eventually I started to avoid social situations altogether because the mental battle around food I wanted to eat but couldnt inside my head became extremely toxic. This hugely affected my friendships and isolated me to only hanging out with the likeminded people I’d met through the sport (don’t get me wrong, I made some great friends and loved hanging out with these people – but I was sad to lose my other friendships over it all). Hanging out with only likeminded people resulted in a lot of chat about food, our bodies, other people competing and how they looked. I became very shallow and obsessive with food and my body. I also became really moody (great news for Beau) - a) because being on a diet made me sad most days haha, and b) because I didn't get to do all the social things I previously enjoyed and felt like I always had to miss out on the things that filled my cup up.

As time and my prep went on I only slipped further and further into this hole without really noticing. I was getting compliments on social media whenever I showed my body, people would say how good I looked and would praise me, people would say they wished they had abs like me – if only they knew what I was sacrificing for a toned stomach. The competition literally became the forefront of my life, which meant other things began to slip. I actually failed one of my assignments for my nursing degree – which meant the threat of having to re-sit a semester was now hanging over my head (of course the only thing I was thinking was “I don’t need this stress, I wont lose fat at my next check in”). Luckily I didn’t end up having to re-sit, the point is everything else that I loved and valued just kind of took a backseat for this comp.

This vicious cycle only got worse as time went on. I eventually competed in October of 2017 after probably around close to a year of a "bulk" phase and then my "cut" - both of which meant following a strict diet. I actually won first place in all 3 of my categories. Which was surreal, I was of course super proud of myself! I then competed again at nationals in a weeks time (2 peak weeks in a row almost killed me multiple times, I was a walking talking zombie). I actually cant even remember my results from nationals now – a second I think! The days following the show was nothing short of a week long BINGE on literally anything I could get my hands on. This was how it went for so many of us competitors, you almost felt a bit out of control (which is so scary and kind of embarrassing). This was so unhealthy and my coach obviously didn’t recommend it. While I was off binging, through social media a supplement company reached out and they wanted to sponsor me, the deal was I do posts on social media to promote their products in exchange for supplements every month – you know the drill. I was so consumed in this lifestyle that it was just a no-brainer - I said yes.

On stage at nationals

Once I finally got back to some routine after the show it was time to find another show to aim for. After all the hype of the show had blown over and I was feeling a little more grounded it dawned on me.. Am I reeeaaallly going to carry this on? Do I even have the mental capacity to do another show?? And because I was nearing the end of my nursing degree I was worried about full time work in an extremely serious job and trying to compete as well. I decided not to aim for another show, which was just a way of me trying to buy time to wrap my head around whether this was something I could keep doing.

Even though I no longer had a show to aim for and all the pressure was off me in that respect, my issues with food and my own body image lingered. I still stuck to my post show diet and I struggled with the post-show weight gain (back to a normal weight – GOD FORBID), I placed so much worth on the way I looked (its the nature of the sport, right?) and I was almost scared to return to a normal weight. I still didn’t have a social life because I struggled more than ever now with my weight and food – everything only got worse after the show.

Finally, one day it all just got a bit much and my thoughts around my body and food were taking up WAY too much space in my head, it was too much strain on my mental health. I decided the only way I was going to improve my mental health was to go cold turkey (im a real all or nothing kinda gal). So I called it off with my coaches and went cold turkey! I still remember the first day I didn’t weigh my food – I know it sounds so stupid but it was a big deal! I felt so lost, I was so out of tune with my body, I didn’t know how to eat foods that weren’t the foods I ate for the past year. Different foods would make me feel sick, I had no idea about normal portions, all I knew was how to follow a nutrition plan to a T. But I stuck to it, I worked hard to learn how to listen to my body again, and stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I ended the contract with the supplement company because I didn’t feel that the things I was posting was authentic anymore. Slowly but surely my relationships with all my friends (including the old ones which I drifted from throughout the prep) improved and my life had kind of come full circle and I landed right back where I was before I started the sport – just with a few more issues around food and my body.

Its been a year and a few months since I went cold turkey. BEST THING I EVER DID. It took me a good solid year (a whole year, I shit you not) of inner work and A LOT of discomfort to finally become comfortable, in tune and trusting in my body again. Throughout this time I did a lot of inner work, as I said, but I also allowed myself to try a lot of different styles of training and ways of eating –Its clear to see I was trying to navigate the best way of training and eating for my body. After literally paying someone to tell me how to train and how to eat I didn’t really know where I stood. All I did was weight train and LISS (low intensity steady state) cardio for the entire competition prep, safe to say I never wanted to even look at a stair master again. I joined F45 and LOVED the social aspect of this kind of training, such a nice change from my previously isolated lifestyle. I did F45 for probably 9 – 10 months and now my week to week contains a lot of variety when it comes to exercise. I play netball, weight train, I go for walks, runs, bike rides and occasionally I enjoy incorporating some HIIT training – depends how im feeling on the day. In terms of my diet, I basically just eat what makes me feel good, and I don’t eat what doesn’t. I am so much more in tune and have a lot more respect for my bod these days, I also trust my body again (as opposed to believing that even if I looked at a piece of cake I would gain weight). I also saw a naturopath and did a lot of testing and work on my gut health after competing. I worked out which foods don’t really serve me and which ones do. I’ve never felt healthier, happier or more confident within this little bod of mine. My social life is back in full swing, I have amazing relationships and I have come out so much wiser. And I didn’t gain 20kgs like post comp Vaids thought she would if she dared not follow a meal plan.

A comparison to show the difference (or lack there of) when completely changing my lifestyle to one I could sustain!

And well, that’s that! Let me just say I am in no way trying to bad-mouth my coaches, the sport or even people that do the sport. I have a lot of respect for the athletes that go out and kill it without getting sucked in like I did. I didn’t have the mental strength required to survive this sport, and I urge anyone who wants to take the leap into the world of body-building to ensure they do have that kind of unwavering mental strength. My coaches were amazing, supportive and coached me to achieve exactly what I set out to, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and what they do. It was never their job (and I never expected them to) to ensure I didn’t lose my marbles (which I clearly did), their job was to coach me to win and that’s exactly what they did. I never let on to either of them how much I was struggling mentally because I didn’t really talk about it with anyone actually! Anyone setting out to compete, I would recommend Jake and Jess Campus – they’ll get you to where you want to go.

Me, Now. With the healthiest and most sustainable relationship with my bod and food I've ever had

I am so grateful for everything this whole experience taught me even if it was the hard way. Ive ticked winning my categories in a body-building show OFF my bucket list and I can wholeheartedly say I am more than done with that chapter.

That’s MORE than enough from me!

Vaida.